Who Controls the Cash?
Financial Power Imbalances in families and how to spot them
I’ve had two conversations recently around autonomy with money – one with a friend regarding her husband, and another with a client in relation to his father. For confidentiality reasons, I’ll begin this essay by focusing on my friend, who has kindly given me permission to share – I’ll call her Rebecca.
Rebecca is what one would traditionally call a ‘home-maker’ – a rather reductive term in my opinion as it diminishes her talents and contributions somewhat, but she does cater to the children’s every need, keeps the house in working order, and runs a logistically tight family-of-five ship.
Over a cup of coffee, Rebecca laid bare her impending sense of doom in anticipation of the monthly Amex bill – mentally checking off the purchases she’d made, which couldn’t justifiably be called “family expenses”.
You see, Rebecca doesn’t have an income, or a bank balance that could tide her over for very long should the sh*t hit the fan – having given up her salaried work in favour of being the children’s primary care-giver. Rebecca’s husband on the other hand, continued in his original field of work, accelerated his career, and now earns an ample wage.
Both parties made sacrifices – Rebecca with her earning capacity, and her husband in his diminished time with their children (put in the most simplest of terms – both could arguably state many more sacrifices).
The crux of their financial agreement however, was that Rebecca’s husband would pay all of the bills. A weight of expectation was laid on him, and a loss of self-sufficiency was felt by her.
Now Rebecca and her husband’s situation isn’t unique; and this piece won’t go into the whys and wherefores of gender inequality or women returning to the workforce after having children – but it will focus on the financial power imbalance that can stealthily creep into family life – eroding trust, creating discomfort, and fracturing once harmonious relationships.
What really is a financial power imbalance?
A simple financial imbalance in its most basic form is a disparity in the monetary amount each member of the family earns or is able to contribute.
This often isn’t a cause for tension – it has after all been the overriding norm since the industrial revolution. But for it to work, both partners need to be aligned in their goals, and share mutual respect for each other’s contributions – whether financial or otherwise.
A financial power imbalance is slightly different, and in essence, is when the household member who earns or controls the money, has a dominant influence in the way the money is used.
In Rebecca and her husband’s case, the financial agreement was set many years ago, but therein the communication ceased. What was once a seemingly understandable arrangement, is now a simmering pot of resentment.
The issue of financial power imbalances come up time and again in my practice – in the context of spousal relationships; between a parent and (adult) child who is given an allowance, and sometimes between an adult and a trustee in charge of their expenditure. Within all these relationships, even the subtlest of money imbalances can have wide reaching emotional consequences.
I’ve been there too, I get it.
With Rebecca’s situation – both her and her husband felt the original agreement (albeit a loose one) was fair – until that is, a hierarchical value was put on the items Rebecca opted to buy. Groceries, family holidays, and essential clothing were fair game – impromptu lunches, beauty treatments, and updated seasonal wardrobe items less so.
Whilst it's important to recognise affordability (Rebecca has a good grasp of household bills, and her husband's income – and though occasionally impulsive, she’s not reckless), it’s also important to notice when the goalposts for value and necessity are set differently.
Where once Rebecca and her husband were aligned in their vision for the future, and understanding of each other’s material needs (and wants) – neither had anticipated how these would evolve over their fifteen-year year partnership, or how they would subsequently impact their finances.
Leading Breakup and Divorce Coach Sara Davison has seen this type of mis-alignment many times in her own practice, and maintains that regular communication around financial needs, fears, and aspirations is key for marital longevity:
“We're rarely the same people we were five, ten, or twenty years ago, and during our time in a marriage, our needs and values can change. If that’s not communicated properly, then what we spend our money on probably isn't communicated in the right way either.
Quite simply, communication breakdowns, particularly around money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce.”
Recognising Financial Power Imbalances in your family
Family financial power imbalances can emerge in a multitude of ways, and so I’ve outlined five here that both resonate with my clients, and seem to come up in the broader conversations I’ve had around family finances.
I’ve additionally included some top-line suggestions for those who identify with any of the scenarios – with the aim of helping ease some of the strain.
1. One Family Member Handling All Finances
When one family member takes full control of finances (including budgeting, paying bills, and making investment decisions), other family members (namely partners) may feel frustrated by the lack of transparency and believe they are unprepared to make financial decisions if needed.
Suggestion: Work towards an open verbal discussion on earnings (including any bonuses), investments made; and any plans for future investments. If it seems taboo, ask yourself why that may be. What makes the discussion so uncomfortable, and what would it take to ensure everyone is more transparent?
Some form of shared financial responsibility would also be hugely beneficial.
An option would be to divide responsibilities based on your strengths and interests. For example, one partner could focus on day-to-day budgeting and bill payments, while the other handles long-term planning like investments, savings, and retirement funds – with a view to checking in with each other regularly.
It would also be beneficial for the partner not handling the finances to pursue some form of financial education, ensuring they are prepared to manage the family’s finances if the need arises unexpectedly.
2. An Allowance
Instead of joint financial decision-making, one family member may give an allowance or discretionary spending amount to other members of the family or household (spouses, children, etc.). This can be a practical way to manage finances but can also feel restrictive if one party feels overly controlled in how they spend the money.
Whilst the intention of an allowance may be a positive one, it’s important to recognise the conflict the recipient may feel – most notably a lack of autonomy, particularly if the allowance comes with expectations or restrictions. Additionally, the recipient might feel conflicted between appreciation for the help, and a desire to establish their own financial freedom.
Suggestion: To help with feeling more autonomous, encourage an open discussion around the purpose of the support, and any expectations. It’s also worth encouraging gradual financial independence, such as budgeting or saving a portion of the allowance – to help build confidence.
Neither party should be aiming for long-term reliance, and financial education can empower the beneficiaries to manage their own money effectively, reducing any feelings of guilt or dependency.
3. Requiring Justification for Purchases
In some families, one partner or family member might require justification or approval for certain purchases, even if they’re within a reasonable budget.
This behavioural trait is more common than we’d like to think, and the person receiving the request can feel micromanaged, distrusted and disempowered, as if their financial decisions are being questioned or controlled.
Sara Davison – Breakup and Divorce Coach, says:
“The important thing here is that both partners agree on each other's personal spending amount within the limits of the family budget – no questions asked.
If you're going over an agreed limit, perhaps with a purchase that's particularly expensive, additional communication needs to happen.
But if you feel the need to seek approval for every personal purchase, it can feel restrictive and controlling – and that’s probably because it is."
Suggestion: This is a difficult balancing act but it’s important for both parties to understand why the family member feels the need for justification on purchases, and work towards a mutual understanding that brings about trust and financial transparency.
It’s also worth mentioning here that this type of behaviour can be a form of overt control so if it’s happening in your household, I would advise looking at ways to address it as a matter of priority.1
4. Gift Giving with Strings Attached
Parents or other family members may provide financial support or gifts, such as money for a house deposit, paying for a wedding, or for holidays – but with specific conditions attached to the support.
Suggestion: To avoid resentment, it’s essential to have an open discussion about expectations beforehand, ensuring all family members (including in-laws) are aligned on how the money will be used.
Transparent communication about any stipulations allows receivers of the gift to feel respected and involved in decision-making, which helps all parties maintain an easy-going relationship, rather than a stifling one.
Top tip here – raise your thoughts and questions on the offer of support sooner rather than later. A simple, “thank you, that’s a very kind offer – is there anything we need to think about before making a decision?” can break the ice quite quickly!
5. Expectations Around Shared Family Money
Family members may have expectations about how shared money, like an inheritance or trust fund, should be spent, leading to tension if differing priorities aren’t openly discussed and agreed upon in advance.
This is one of the most contentious issues for families with "expected" wealth. Entire lives are often built around the assumption that a certain inheritance is guaranteed, only for those expectations to be upended, leaving some feeling blindsided by decisions they don’t understand.
There is also sometimes an unspoken assumption that family money should be distributed equally, as if it’s a moral obligation. However, wealth creators who control the inheritance or trust funds reserve the right to change their plans – especially when family members have conflicting priorities for that money. This lack of alignment can lead to significant tensions when expectations and realities don’t match.
Suggestion: To help ease tensions around family money, initiating an open dialogue is the first crucial step, as it aids transparency and mutual understanding.
However, if emotions are running high, bringing in a neutral mediator can be an effective way to facilitate calm, productive conversations in a structured environment, ensuring all voices are heard while diffusing potential conflicts.
What to do if you suspect a financial power imbalance
Money imbalances within families don’t always signal a serious issue – it could simply be that bad habits have taken hold, and patterns have developed over time, rather than something more sinister.
But they can also be a reflection of (unhealthy) financial dynamics modelled from previous generations or relationships; or work as a channel for deeper emotions such as unresolved feelings of control, insecurity, or low self-esteem.
By recognising these imbalances, keeping communication open, and displaying mutual respect, you are taking the first steps toward a more balanced and harmonious family relationship with money.
If you would like more help or guidance in navigating the complexities of financial power imbalances within your family system, or would like a safe space to address other life challenges where money or wealth are playing a role, please book a no obligation call with me, to see how I can help.
I hope this post has proved useful, but suffice to say, each family structure has its own intricacies and challenges that can’t be fully captured in one post, so please take what you can from it, and share if you think it could help someone you know.
If you could also take the time to hit the ‘like’ button (if you liked it!), I would be very grateful. It takes a while to write these posts, and I’d love for more people to see them!
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Who Am I?
I’m Anna, an ICF accredited Coach and Certified Money Coach (CMC)® with a passion for opening up the conversation around money and well-being. I also like the idea of sharing some of my personal musings here despite the wildly vulnerable position I find myself in.
You can find out more about me and my work here: www.wealthidentitycoach.com
If you are worried about possible financial abuse, please visit https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/ for guidance and support.
A great piece about a topic most aren’t brave enough to broach
Great summary of issues, with helpful suggestions. All presented in a compassionate and non-judgemental way.